Coming Together

"Darling...what are you doing?"

If that question has been asked...it probably didn't need to be asked in the first place.

I will never forget the first time. The first time I heard him, on the other end of the phone. I think what was most agonizingly attractive to me was his utter inability to speak coherently...to finish a thought.

My hand immediately wandered.

This first time, I tried to "time," things. I anticipated when I thought he might be "ready," and behaved accordingly. Unfortunately for me, I lack the self-discipline to do this, effectively. There's a certain point I reach where I cannot stop myself. And I got there before he did.

But lately...time after time, my trying has been completely unnecessary. In fact, the last thing on my mind is usually where we "are," in proximity to one another. And lately, it hasn't mattered. Every time we've been coming together.

I'm afraid I'm addicted to this...to the sound of him expressing exactly how I feel in that moment.

The Look

If nothing else, I will always be haunted by your look.

Oh God...just picturing your face with that look on it makes me want to stop writing this right now and frig myself into oblivion. And...I've never been one to fantasize whilst masturbating.

I wish you could see it. It's this spectacular blend of child-like mischievousness, mixed with a kind of innocence...but at the same time, it's entirely seductive. And it's almost all in your eyes.

You know...often people have tried to find some kind of "sweet spot" on me...a weakness that, when touched/kissed/licked, etc...I will falter to, every time. The truth is, there is nothing...nothing that will work every time. Because that seems to place an expectation on me...that is, if I react one way, one time, that I'll do it every time. Besides...I rather enjoy it that something has been done, without one's knowledge, that excites me so. That's part of what excites me.

But I think I found my weakness. Really, it meets all the "qualifications." It's something that conveys to me exactly what's on your mind. It's something that, when I see it, I'm immediately aroused. It's something that you don't even know you're doing. And it's something that happens to you, without you even realizing it. I've never seen anything like it before.

Your look, Darling, is my weakness.

Lights, Cameras, Action!

I don't exactly put on a "show."

In fact, it's almost unintelligible that whatever is going on down there is doing anything for me at all, until I'm about to orgasm. And the tell-tell signs are incredibly subtle.

There is no uncontrollable moaning. I don't go writhing all over the place. I'm generally very, very focused...because in those moments of pleasure I experience the only "mind vacation" that I'm ever able to obtain. And I don't want to be distracted.

What does happen, then? At first, my breathing changes slightly. It gets very deep, and rhythmic (with a few gasps intertwined here and there). Secondly, I always have to grab on to something. And usually that will be his arm(s)...and when something is going on that I've taken a liking to, I'll start squeezing, progressively tighter. Finally there's, what I consider to be, the most important sign...my lower back tenses. Yet this is the one that's easily missed. But once my lower back tenses, I'm getting close...extremely close.

Honestly, the orgasm itself is the closest resemblance to a show, as far as I'm concerned. And that's just because my entire body "ticks," and it's completely uncontrollable. These "ticks" just...ripple throughout my body, and they will not end until all stimulation has ceased.

But...I can't help thinking that this is going to disappoint.

How Did You Know?

Sometimes, I don't want to be pretty.

Sometimes what I want is for you to feel like you have to have me, right then and there...and for you to be filled with with such passion and desire for me that it becomes impossible for you to do anything BUT act on those feelings.

Trust me, I won't be offended.

What I LOVE about you is that you left...you left, when you knew damn good and well what I had in mind. You saw the expression on my face...you felt the curiousity in my touch...you heard the sublte moaning behind each kiss.

You had nothing to prove to me, you said, later...because *I* already understand that the feelings you posses for me are not purely physical. No, you wanted to prove to yourself that you could leave. That you could deny both of us something we so obviously wanted, not even knowing for sure the next time we would be able to see each other. And that is insanely sexy. Tell me, how did you know to play such games with me?

How did you know this would fill my mind with thoughts of you, so that every ounce of restraint in myself is required to keep me from just, arriving at your house, completely unannounced? Depriving me of you...I've resorted to fantasy. And I don't fantasize. It's much more likely for me to simply play things that have happened, over and over. But I don't have that with you, yet. Our experience together is extremely limited, and this has caused my mind to wander. How did you know to do this to me?

To make me fantasize about the day you finally surrender your "gentleman-ly ways." The day you become so completely overwhelmed with physical desire for me, that not even YOU can stop yourself from having your way with me. You are letting me want you. And this is making me long for the time that I have you.

New Panties, Anyone?

Even my panties remind me of ToFu.

There is not one pair of panties I own that he would not be able to recognize, simply by slipping his hand into my jeans and fingering the fabric or the cut. How can someone "new" slide me out of my pants to reveal a pair of panties I know that ToFu is so intimately familiar with?

Yesterday, I did something about this.

Sure, I only went into the store because I saw a big sign that read, "Shoes: Buy one pair, get another half off!" And I had been looking for a new pair of flip flops...but two would be even nicer. So, I wandered into the store and right into a huge bin of panties, 5 for $15.

Hmm....new panties, I thought. And I realized that new panties might be a very significant milestone for me. What I need are new panties that HE is not so familiar with. So, I rummaged through the panties and picked out five of them, with the intent that HE will never see them on me. In fact, I bought them with someone else in mind, entirely.

Don't worry, I found my two pairs of shoes. And, uh, a purse. But what's important about this is that I walked into the store for a new pair of shoes...and I walked out feeling like I had a completely different life. Perhaps that is a little dramatic, but it's a significant gesture that I made, for myself.

Sigh...

I'm experiencing the most...horrible lack of inspiration to blog, lately. And it makes me sad.

Actually, that's a little misleading. Honestly I have several "topics" running around in my head right now...but I'm having a difficult time figuring out how to express them.

The transition from school back to home always does strange things to my head. I go from worrying about school, papers, exams...to having absolutely nothing to do (minus looking around, and not very actively yet, for a job).

And it's not like I haven't been "sexually charged" as of late...I've had a fiddle almost every night before going to sleep since I got home from college, which is unusual for me (to do it with such consistency, anyway).

However, I have completely made up my mind that either later today or tomorrow I will produce a post...because I can. My lack of motivation is NOT the boss of me! Hee hee!

And besides, I really, really want to blog about something before I go out of town on Thursday. I'll be back on Tuesday, but there will be absolutely no way I can write anything whilst I'm gone...so I want to try to get at least one thing that's inside, out, before I leave.

Remember Who?

There's only been one person in my 20 years (excluding myself) who has brought me to orgasm...nay, there has only been one person who has ever even tried to bring me to orgasm. Likewise, this is the only person I have ever brought (or even tried to bring) to orgasm. And in the midst of my five year relationship demise, I can't help but wonder...I would say I've had a LOT of experience with sexual activities (all but intercourse, anyway), yet all of my experience is with the same person.

I'm expressing this concern NOT because I am worried about my ability to pleasure someone else in the future (nor my ability to respond to someone who is pleasuring me)...no, what I'm bothered by is this: when will I be able to engage in sexual activities and not think of him? I'm so used to him, so comfortable with him, and I've never experienced anyone else in this way. Therefore, I'm having trouble distinguishing between the concepts "this is the way I give head" and "this is the way I give ToFu head."

I'm perfectly aware that every guy might not enjoy the same things he did, but won't I "instinctively" begin sucking a new guy's dick the same way I did his? And if so, how could it not remind me of him?

I'm having a hard time getting over this.